Don’t know where I am or how I got here

I signed up for this blog back in November, yet I’ve not posted at all. There are many reasons for this, the foremost being absolute fear. Fear I don’t remember how to be funny or write anymore (it’s been a minute). Fear I won’t post as much as I should (this is a legitimate concern – blogging consistency is not my forte). And as always, fear of being judged.

I’ve had various blogs over the years, as many of my friends will tell you. Some good, some bad, some that probably made no sense whatsoever. Regardless, I do love writing. It is in no way part of my current job, outside of a million daily emails. I’ve been asked several times in the last six months by co-workers, friends and even my therapist if I could be anything in the world, what it would be. My answer is difficult for me to say, not because I don’t know, but because, again, fear. My dream job is without a doubt a full-time blogger. But I am scared. I am not as pretty and skinny as the fashion bloggers, I don’t have the time and money as a lot of the beauty bloggers, my kitchen is entirely too small to be a food blogger, and my patience for sports has gone way out the window, so I could never be a sports blogger again. Although my go-to phrase is usually “I got this”, when it comes to what to write about, I do not got this. At all.

However, the first time that thought went through my head, I realized that was actually it. That was my thing. My golden ticket. The fact I do not got this. I honestly do not got ANYTHING. I am terrible at dating; I am 37 and just now got in the habit of cleaning house regularly; my finances are a total mess (though I am getting them under control, at long last); I suck at losing weight (despite sufficient effort); I drink way too much for someone my age (why exactly have I not learned this lesson?); and at every minute of every day, I am at risk of saying something stupid, doing something stupid and most of all, breaking a bone.

Maybe this will be one big exercise in self-deprecation, I haven’t a clue. But what I do know is this, I am not alone when it comes to never feeling good enough or acting the ways you should; just wanting to stay in bed because adulting sounds horrible and you know you’ll just screw it all up; and overall feeling like a complete disaster at any given moment. And certainly not thinking that it would be this way at this age. But I also refuse to keep trying to be awesome and get all my shit together. And that’s what this blog is about.

 

 

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